Cunningham-Ramos AML & Stroke after TBI Journey

Some people are in awe when they learn of my husband’s health trials & tribulations and ask: How have you managed to care for him for so long? And how do you keep on doing it now that he’s got a terminal illness and so many other health issues? I wonder the same …..

The answer that comes first and foremost to my mind is: I’ve done it and will continue to care for him for as long as I’m mentally & physically capable because he was (is) a great husband! I know within my heart that there is no other person in the world that I would love as much as I love him. It is a love that has transformed itself from husband & wife’s love to that of cared for & caregiver’s love.

Kim & I were a true team, in everything we did. Yet we were individuals, with our own unique lives, always enjoying our company, creating & fulling joint or individual goals, and never seemingly getting tired of each other.

Life was easy and flowed in such a great way with Kim! We respected, admired, encouraged, and loved each other in a ‘permanent’ way.

Two days ago, I was at the store buying a gift for a dear friend, when a man in his 60s ( he told me his age), with an empty shopping cart, approached me and asked me: ‘What makes you happy?’ For some reason I sensed he was real and not a crazy person who would suddenly pull an automatic weapon and kill me.

It had been a hard day, as some of the days are caring for Kim, specially when I don’t have caregivers helping me, but this question stopped me! I thought about it for a moment and then I answered: ‘what makes me happy is that I am healthy, and that I have the drive, fortitude, and desire to care for my husband.’ He looked at me in sort of disbelief and said: ‘I’m so sorry about your husband and about you having to care for him.’ I then replied: ‘Don’t be sorry for me having to care for him, it is truly a relief that I can do this and it makes me happy that he does not have to be in a nursing facility!’

This is truly how I feel … if I knew there was a place where Kim would be better than in our home he would already be there because caregiving is very hard. I understand why people eventually place their loved ones in institutions. It requires not just physical fortitude but, also, the mental stamina to see your loved one die very, very slowly.

I made a pact with myself several months ago that I will always greet Kim in the morning with a smile on my face and a resounding ‘good morning, it is another beautiful day out there!’ Even when I feel physically ‘crappy’ as I did yesterday, or emotionally drained as I often am at the end of each day, I utter the same words. I keep that shining light of life in front of my eyes to remind me that life is beautiful and that there would be better days.

Caregiving is an ebb & flow of emotions & physical endurance both for the caregiver and the cared for go through every day. Yet, I’m still committed to see it thru the end and pray I continue to have what it takes to do it.